they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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