I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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