wrigley field is MILF paradise
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
