youre lurking in front of me
my being single is dangerous.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry about my life...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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