And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
