The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Randomize
