The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
