I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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