This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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