saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
