I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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