You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
