perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
