You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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