then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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