The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
