Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
