If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
