How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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