Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize