4 words: hood of his car
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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