I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
