While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
