yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
