I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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