The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Randomize
