i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
