So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
