1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
