I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We have started to decorate penises.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
