She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
