I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
