I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
