I chose taco bell over sex...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?