Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.