Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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