Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
