My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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