If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
