I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
