So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
