My Higher Power is John Stamos
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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