I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
