remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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