You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
