its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
