Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
