Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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