I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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