those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
