I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
