I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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