I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My vagina is very pro this idea
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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