I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
