so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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