I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
